I haven’t observed the Wiccan Samhain for several years now. The last few, my little family has joined my in-laws at their Church’s Trunk or Treat event, which is very fun and quite secular. That’s fine with everyone, since my personal Samhain has become a very introspective time of year for me.
Loki and I haven’t been in a working relationship for several years as well, since I have been in a Seeker mode and not in a Practitioner mode, which has lasted since 2000. 13 years is way too long to be in Seeker mode, according to me. But what I have learned in that time is pretty substantial. Loki is still here. Despite past efforts to leave Him behind, ask Him to go and outright ignoring Him, He’s still here.
(Which, by the way, you can do. You can ask a God/dess to let you be and They will. Just be kind. They may come back if you really do need Them, just be aware. They do know what’s best for you even if you don’t.)
Loki tends to be one who breaks the rules. Since this is part of what He’s about, this makes sense. So He stayed. He just stepped back for a while. He’s been with me for (wow) 20 years. This year has been the first time, however, that it’s just been Himself and me. Being Wiccan most of my Pagan life, I had always understood that there needed to be Male and Female on the altar and never could find the right Goddess (although Bast was very close for many, many years) for me. Loki, on the other hand, stuck around, through everything. Being a 90s Discordian as well, this made sense. I hardly ever felt the urge to look for a God to replace Him. And I did run into trouble because I was drawn to Him.
I didn’t dedicate to Him until 2003 however. I think I had felt at the time that I wouldn’t take a dedication to Loki until I was ready. I still don’t think I was ready when I did it. It didn’t feel special, I can’t describe how.
So it’s another 10 years of me Seeking, with Loki walking alongside me the entire time (as He does with Thor in the sagas) and me coming to this Samhain 20 years after I first decided to talk to Him and begin my work with Him. I was going to dedicate tonight, after we got back from Trunk or Treat. My reasoning was this: I love Halloween (my birthday is this month). I don’t practice Wicca any longer, so it would be nice to have Halloween be special for a spiritual reason. And Halloween seemed pretty appropriate for Loki.
So why didn’t I dedicate tonight? Why am I writing a blog rather than in my bedroom, talking to Him?
Because something still didn’t feel right about it.
I looked at my moon calendar and discovered that the moon is Dark on Saturday, which just sat there and screamed at me that this was the right time. So I settled in with a martini, my Aperture Science Dell and watched Pokemon this evening once we got home.
Saturday, I will make my dedication, and it will be special this time. Special and right and we will both be happy with it.
I realize I haven’t explained the kind of relationship I have with Loki… It’s very, very complicated, but I will try to explain it at a later date.