It’s gotten very hard to think or be creative for a while now. I think of things I’d like to do but hardly ever seem to get around to doing them. Writing is a good example.
I retired earlier this year. From e-book writing, to be specific. The result never seemed to be worth the effort I put into it, and I’m afraid independent e-book publishers are losing to the corporate publishers who have discovered e-books. And unfortunately, I’m kind of dumped in the same pile as other authors who frankly, shouldn’t really even be published. I’m not being arrogant, by no means am I a ‘fantastic’ writer, but I’m good enough.
So when certain crummy authors end up being picked up by a corporate publisher, with a book that is frankly badly written and shamelessly sloppily edited fan-fiction (later becoming an embarrassment of a movie), I end up getting angry at the whole idiotic system I have been trying to break into for over 20 years and I just say to hell with it.
Which is what I did.
I figure I will collect myself eventually and go back to the writing thing, as I really can’t see myself quitting it for good, but for now, I’m just tired of it.
But this was supposed to be about practice, not bad, bitchy authors.
Since I have been in a creative slump for a while, it’s extended to my spiritual practice as well. About the only things about my spirituality I know for certain are that A) I’m Loki’s, B) because of that, I’m obviously a Pagan of some sort.
The problem is, I don’t know what Pagan practice I want to do. Or should be doing, or whatever.
Loki, it seems, really doesn’t care, as long as I’m happy. He seems to be very forgiving in that. If I wanted to do British Trad Wicca, He’d be fine with it, as long as He and I are doing the thing together. The problem never seems to be Him, it’s me.
Over the years, I have studied a lot of spiritualities. I began where many people of my generation began, with “Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner” by Scott Cunningham, a beloved author. I practiced Wicca off an on since I began walking the Pagan path, which was in 1990. I first worked with the Egyptian Goddess Bast, who will always be dear to me. Then I began to work with Loki and fell head-over-heels in love. This was in 1994. Since then I have studied a variety of Pagan spiritualities as well as New Age and other things. I haven’t been able to find anything that I really could ‘stick’ with. Perhaps this is an issue other Lokeans have, I’m not sure.
I do know, after a lot of reading and thinking, that there are things I know aren’t the right direction for me, but that’s kind of about it. I suppose though, it’s a place to begin.
Northern Paganism isn’t my path, neither are the offshoots of Asatru that were coined by the (in)famous Cauldron Farms folks. They didn’t resonate with me, although I did try.
Asatru upset me. I very much wanted this to work for me. The kindreds that were still operating anywhere near to me have ethics I don’t approve of, or won’t accept me because of my dedication to Loki. Perhaps that’s an indication that even if I had found a kindred that would accept me I wouldn’t have been happy there.
I’m not interested in Norse or Celtic Reconstruction, ‘shamanism‘ doesn’t quite fit me and general Paganism is too general, I suppose you might say. I’ve read and studied other paths and haven’t found really anything that seems to appear or work for me.
I thought about developing something original, on my own, but I haven’t the faintest idea where to begin with that.
I considered ‘non-Wiccan’ Witchcraft, but it’s not overly spiritual and that’s not what I’m looking for.
Something I have seen happening more often now is the negative opinion most Pagans have about Wicca and Wiccans. It seems to have become commonplace for Pagans and Heathens to use Wicca as an epithet to describe spiritual practices that they consider superficial, what Wiccans used to term ‘fluffy bunny’ or ‘whitelighter’ thinking. One term that bothers me a lot is ‘Wiccatru’ which is what seems to be bandied about by Heathens who seem to want to belittle Lokeans who practice either Asatru or some variety of Paganism.
I am considering trying to put together some kind of practice with Wicca as a basis, partially because it has been the one spirituality that seems to have stuck with me since 1990.